On Forgiving Yourself

P.S - I don't have the answers

Lately I have been working on a newsletter/magazine thingy for my Whatsapp community (yes Whatsapp community). They say I'm funny, entertaining and share informative content all the time so they want a monthly newsletter. Sadly the newsletter project isn’t going well as i planned it to be. I have all of my content, I know what I want to do but I'm having issues with how I want to make it public. The entire project has taken a huge toll on me, but one thing I'm grateful for is that it has revealed to me how much potential I have for being a good writer. I wrote a bunch of articles in this newsletter and it became so glaring that if I devoted more time to writing, I would have a lot of people hooked, hence, I created a Substack account to practice my writing. Today though, I'm just going to be ranting about something I hope other people can relate to and would be willing to share their thoughts on.

Some days I just feel like I should dissipate. Like I should evaporate. Like je kin sa lo. I find it hard to forgive myself when I fall short. ‘Overall best in beating herself up - and the award goes to, Oghenefejiro Iwo”.  I don’t know how to give myself grace. “I should have known better. I should have done better. I should have been better. I’m smarter than this.” In the events where what i do leaves a negative impact on people and everyone else forgives me, I still struggle with forgiving myself. It’s way worse when I hurt the people that love and care about me. I must force myself to remember what I have done and how much of a horrible person that I am. I would feel my heart break again and again and again because I need to be punished. I cannot just bring myself to accept the fact that I have caused another human pain. I would rather be on the receiving end of hurt than to give it.

You know what’s worse? When the person that you have hurt for some reason does not want to admit that your actions caused them pain, even if it’s a bit. You can clearly see that they are hurt but they have chosen to believe or lie to you and themselves that they are not in pain. “It’s fine, it’s fine. Don’t worry it’s all good” No it’s not all good! Nothing is good here! I can hear pain in your voice. I can see hurt in your eyes. It makes the torture worse seeing that even in your pain you are trying to make everything to seem all right. You are trying to make excuses for my bad behavior. Ahhhhhhhh, je kin sa lo really because the shame has become so much for me to bear!! I would apologize and find every way possible to distance myself from you. I wonder though, why do people find it difficult to accept whatever negative emotion they might be feeling at the moment? Please comment your thoughts.

Another saddening part of this whole situation is that I don't know where this stems from. I am not entirely sure but I feel like this inability to forgive myself comes from a place of pride. I don't know, therapists in the house help me. It’s human to make mistakes right? It’s human to err and hurt people, isn’t it? It’s giving pride because why do i think of myself so highly that i feel like i shouldn’t be doing no wrong to people? What’s this desire to remain the good person? To be the good one in my relationships? Why do I want to take the moral high ground? Is it really from a good place or a bad place? Am I even a good person or am I just pretending to be one? Deep down in me I know the answer to most questions but these ones I don’t know and that’s why some days I just feel like I should dissipate. Like I should evaporate. Like je kin sa lo.

I don’t know if I'm the only one that feels this way. I highly doubt that cos I believe nothing is peculiar to you in this world, of course except your fingerprint. If you can relate to all I have said, I would like to hear your thoughts. If you cannot relate but have something to share, I would still love to hear it. Hopefully, I get more clarity on what this is. I’m new to this writing thing. I don’t know how writers end their articles so I'm going to leave y’all the way we end videos on youtube. Thanks for reading and I'll see you all in my next article. Bye!